so after the bed broke we walked out of the room to a standing ovation
I had a dream last night that I had sex with Abe Lincoln. I must stop watching the History Channel before I go to bed.
i love waking up at 5am with an imprint of a toilet seat on my chest
Rooting for you and your team in the Beer Olympics this afternoon...! Love you, Mom
He's got a pretty small dick but he's a total sweetheart. I'm gonna buy a new dildo and just deal with it.
What's the policy for hitting on a girl at a funeral? She seems more bored than sad.
I honestly don't know if ill make it through the next two hours. The hangover is strong with this one.
You told her dad that you were gonna "superman that ho" I love the first impressions you make
How exactly do I approach the whole "Well that was fun. Am I purchasing the Plan B or you?" topic?
Why is there soup literally in every orifice of my body?
I have a terrible feeling that I made out with a fraternity last night
MILK DIDN'T HELP. IT'S NOT HELPING
Please wake up and help me figure out how I woke up on the floor with my head under the couch
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
woke up with 8 used magnum condoms bound together by floss around my neck, thats about all im gonna tell you.
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