my elementary bus driver served me drinks last night. He hooked me up
this girl and her friend just showed up at my house. standing together, theylook exactly like the number 10. this has cockblock written alllllll over it.
we are going to smoke at least three blunts before we go see Cloudy with a chance of meatballs. I'm going to have my mom make us spaghetti for when we get out so can your mom make those spicy meatballs? I thought I'd give you 9 days notice so everything's perfect.
You were scared that your teeth were shrinking so you stuck your fist in your mouth. then you were convinced your hand was growing cuz it got stuck so yu started crying
I puked in the coffee maker. I wouldn't make coffee tomorrow morning if I were you
And when we woke up we made beer pancakes. Great start to a family picture day.
All I wanted was a quiet evening to masturbate and eat cake and instead you ruined it by bringing girls over.
He's so drunk he thinks he's the ultimate warrior. Told cops he was from parts unknown. Never broke character
I like that our conversation ended with "im gonna go get pregnant goodnight"
A homeless man gave him a blanket and an ambulance drove him to sarahs...
Had to sacrifice my vibrator batteries to the thermostat gods. I had a dirty dream and also almost a heat stroke.
It's a sad statement on my day when the high point was getting a pap test.
I'm sorry I couldn't bail you out, apparenty they dont take credit cards over the phone. Did you at least make any friends in jail?
i woke up and couldnt remember who was in my bed and it was so dark.. i rolled over and started kissing him and feeling his face because hey... if the blind can see like that.. maybe i could too
He goes "what would you say if I told you I like to get it in?" def a potential soulmate right there.
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