Hotel room at 3 am. She's 42. Stockings and heels. All because I opened with a joke about cougar hunting. We'll high-five later.
i got a mint flavored condom from wellness day...im kind of tempted to taste it
I have sucked so much dick this week I think I am going to start sweating semen
ahh summer, the season during which the prefix for every verb is "get drunk and"
Said he had been eating pineapple for a week before our 1st date. Not sure if thankful for his consideration or offended by his assumption.
I was born in the year of the cock... How fitting.
You defs just slept for 6 hours in a porta pottie. You should probably just kill yourself.
Welcome to texting with Mike. You're now leaving the sober section and headed to our insanely high bad decision making portion of mike. Enjoy the trip.
Well, I found my bra. It's in my glove compartment with a half-eaten Snickers bar and a Jesus bookmark.
Just found weed in an empty handle. Who knew Capitan Morgan was also a gardener?
I cannot be with a girl who won't let me come home on my lunch break, eat spicy ranch and watch Breaking Bad without pants on. #lesbianproblems
but I truly enjoy making out with my best friend more than my boyfriend
I will be the DD but everyone has to call me Mistress
I need your opinion, is it ACTUALLY sweet that a booty call offered to walk me home with an umbrella because it was raining, or is that just low standards?
Yeah, I'm pretty glad I chose you to have drunken, sloppy birthday sex with.
That's the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me
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