final count. 18 beers. 4 shots baileys. 2 shots vodka. 1 glass champagne. vomited in the yard after losing my phone in a field for 8 hours. Possibly played tag with myself
just spent the last 4 hours searching ex-girlfriend porn to make sure there are no photos of me
The panties match.
I'll be right there.
The good news is the bleeding stopped. I think I'm going to sober up before I tell you the bad news though.
I'm trying to spell out I love you with a series of photos of my penis, but I just realized I can't do the Y of you
If i had 4 hands right now is have booze in 3 of them and my cock in the other all because you went to denver. just sayin.
Is it mean to convince my old booty call she used me for sex so I can bang her again before I leave for Denver?
no dude free pina colada`s taste like what I would expect my penis to taste like except gay-er.
her wearing orange crocs at the bar was definitely a great form of contraception
I just had a great idea for an etsy shop. Sell all the shit bitches leave from one nighters
I'm surprised I didn't lose anything last night. Except maybe my dignity but other than that we gucci.
I lost my vibrator temporarily and for some unknown reason my first thought was that you might have stolen it. But then I realized you would never do that because you know it keeps me from killing people. But I am overtired and lacking in faith.
Can we just talk about the fact that the last time I got laid I was wearing a Jurassic Park tshirt?
He left a fire sauce packet from taco bell that said "promise you'll text me in the morning" on my nightstand.
at this point, i'm only going to therapy to get more free condoms
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