What happened to our ballroom dancing plans
He told me to fart on his lap because the vibrations turned him on
Hey, could you leave the door unlocked? Keys seem hard right now.
My 11 year old cousin is wearing a Jane Austen fan club t shirt. I'm trying not to tear into her, but I'm five coronas deep and losing control.
Can you come over to my place and make up for the crap you called sex yesterday?
Good morning to you
I think I've reached that age where I should start dating "congrats" and not "are you keeping it?"
She crushed my hand with the box spring last time, so it's all good.
I have migrated to the couch. Minimal movement is still happening, but I should be mobile enough to go to the liquor store by eight.......so that good.
In a bar surrounded by couples hooking up. I'm just staring at one. Not drunk enough. Come save me.
I've learned life lessons in Vegas. Mostly, drugs are cheaper than alcohol.
Just remembered I railed lines while holding a puppy
Taking dicks and breaking hearts, no better life
He told us a story about a time his 80 year old uncle karate chopped a dick in a glory hole.
i ran into the Jo the housecleaner earlier this morning. i mentioned i had a little hangover and she asked what the occasion was.. i replied "Tuesday" without thinking. she judged the shit out of me.
I refuse to take any type of advice let alone love advice from a motherfucker who is missing 3 fingers from a Fucked up masturbating accident.
Randomize