I walked into his room and he was naked with a half eaten pecan pie and a bottle of wine.
who knew i was capable of sobriety and human-like emotions all in the same night?
The girls danced. I drank. Then I danced cause I was drunk. Then I ripped tim's shirt off cause I'm awesome.
VOOOODKA VOOODKA WE PLEDGE OUR LOVE TO THEEEE VODKAAAA VODKAAAA SAVIOR OF LIBERTYYYY
I went on a psycho cleaning spree so I feel I've earned the right to spend the day in bed watching porn and eating sausage biscuits. If you bring alcohol you can join me.
All other girlfriends are inferior. You are the chosen one.
Naw but when she was in the bathroom I threw the condom out the window and I'm pretty sure it hit some girl
the police report says i screamed sanctuary from a jungle gym at the playground when they caught up with us, obviously they disregarded international law.
I mean, he's 40, foreign, artsy but with substance abuse problems and estranged children. How is he not my type?
I never thought I would have to put a band-aid on my penis.
I just felt emotion and I'm not okay with it
SOME DUDE PUT OUT FOR A MCCHICKEN AND YET YOU STILL WON'T FUCK ME
While all of the skanky girls from the crowd got on stage we screamed fair game and scoped out all their boyfriends, she made out with 2, this is what we call taking advantage of the situation
my gyno just used the expression "dick around." too far?
we got cockblocked by his mom again...its like she has a radar on me
please stop trying to sleep with him
let your parents know i'm sorry i ran around the house pretending their metal detector was a "booze detector"
Randomize
