awkward like he asked me out for a "rest of the summer make out buddy" thing and I kind of had a female testicle retreat moment
why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
I mean, it really isn't YOUR car until you have sex in it.
Shit sorry. Maybe I wont give you this sweet ass fanny pack I found in my parents attic
I just had a flashback to last nights party, I'm pretty sure I told most of the people there that I post a masturbation schedule for an iCal download.
she named each of the players on the last ten madden covers in order and then shotgunned 2 beers...if she doesnt have a penis im in love
She stole my hamster. idk who she was, she just walked in and said she knew Keith so she stayed, drank 6 beers, and then stole Charles.
The fact that I pulled something plastic out of my mouth after taking that shot is starting to concern me.
Plus you know he's just 2 semesters and 4 glasses of wine away from "experimenting" with some French major
Your 'drink of the future' makes sense now- you feel it for atleast 10 hours into the future
Also one of my neighbors is blasting "pumped up kicks" and possibly butchering some chickens
She's trying to sext her husband for the first time. I'm feeding her lines. It is 3 am and I am playing Cyrano for my wasted big sister TELL ME I AM NOT THE BEST SISTER IN LAW ON THE PLANET.
I have the starring role in a literal shit show.
Just used the word fistfucking in a serious conversation with my professor in front of the class, while making an appropriate and valid point. Win.
It was probably the most embarrassing moment of my life. But I had cleavage, so I'm good!
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