first i yelled "you cant get it up?" and then in the middle of it i opened a Corona
I used to practice getting hit by cars.
he doesnt exactly give off the "im mature enough to use my penis" vibe
Just woke up bloody and clutching a rear view mirror I'm pretty sure is from my car. For those of you keeping score at home this is why I stopped drinking four loko.
Between the booze, mechanical bulls, and penis's I think my body hates it when I'm single
Nuts. Absolutely nuts. she just screamed in my face something about not knowing whats happening and then got tackled by a dude
We just started the day with vitamin bombs. Daily vitamin + whatever's left in your glass from last night = feel like a champion
I just can't deal with that sentence
Just broke my collar bone. May not make it to the party.
btw telling the cab driver, that took you to your booty call that is now returning your wallet that you left in his cab, that you want to hug him is awkward
I feel like I should treat myself every time I find out I'm not pregnant. Is there a pie company that delivers??
We were like ok let's be eachothers maid of honor and then you were like "ok see you at the wedding" and walked away
should we try and roll a cross joint since its good friday? you know, for jesus
Dipping my sugar cookies in a glass of fireball and creme soda. This is holiday spirit
But we made up last night and had unbelievably crazy sex tonight. I legit went blind for like 15mins from him choking me. It was awesome
i think i'm just going to start having sex with his brother, he's much hotter and it would definately be less illegal.
Randomize
