oh my god im such an asshole. i just asked the guitarist of bad religion if he was a scalper.
you were cooking a hot pocket with a grill lighter what did you want me to do
I'm really tired of your booty call eating my fruity pebbles.
I don't remember what happened but judging from the contents of my pockets it had something to do with potatoes and glo in the dark condoms
I asked the subway guy how many cookies he thought I could smuggle into the bar. He said it looked like a 6 packer. he was correct
They took my balls.
I think I'm going to add the date I dumped his sorry ass as a life event on FB.
I think that's justified.
She dressed up in a sexy maid outfit for me, but she got mad when I asked her to actually do some cleaning.
Heard you were the one that shit off Jamie's balcony. FYI there is a cabbie down here out for blood
Would you please stop exposing your tits on my couch?
Fuck you, my tits are fabulous
I was super proud of him for making a mature relationship decision, and then I remembered that he cheated on her. With me.
There's some random guy here dryhumping my kitchen door. If he is a friend of yours, please come and retrieve him.
You literally chaperoned my booty call.
Went home with a guy last night with Taco Bell sauce in my hair and on my pants
You were cussing me out in sign language, and slurring your signs.
That's some kind of record drunk there...
Randomize
