and we just had intercourse last night so i'm exhausted, fucked up on adderol, emotionally broken and just pissed
Someone took a freaking dump on a roll of toilet paper. Next to the toilet. No shit in the toilet. Just on the roll of toilet paper.
my drunk step mom just informed me my dad likes reverse cowgirl. Please god kill me.
we were so desperate we resorted to lego blocks. nuff said.
It's sad that he has such a beautiful cock and doesn't know what to do with it.
Received world's greatest BJ while in a planetarium. Was seeing stars while seeing stars.
I've heard so many rumors about me being taken home in an ambulance I'm starting to believe them.
she tried to handfeed me fritos while yelling "PENIS TRAIN"
I'm sports announcer narrating myself making a sandwich. Your weed wins.
Dave, I love you but you're barking up the wrong lesbian. You sir are the competition. You don't threesome with competition.
Seriously, I woke you up with tacos, I think I deserve the best girlfriend ever award
last night you told me I had a dark, salty butthole
Just threw up mid-poop. I can't drink like I used to.
I have booze and I wanna give you a bj. How can you be mad at me?
The prescription the hospital gave me for pain and nausea doubles for my hangovers... Maybe I'll hit up the ER more often
Randomize
