You going out tonight?
No I am at the hospital. Throwing up blood is apparently frowned upon.
I was too sleepy and drunk to verbally annihilate anyone and ruin their reason for being. So i just opted to sleep with the fitted sheet on the floor
Two hot shots of tequila for breakfast? Yeah today is gonna be a shit show
The usual, im laying out. Ipod on shuffle, Large spray bottle to cool myself of and a smaller one filled with chilled vodka. I can spray the vodka right in my mouth without even opening my eyes. THIS IS LIVING....
Found a popcorn kernel in my pubes... Time fir a Brazilian
The bond between me and cheese is something no man can understand.
She had a glow in the dark pastie on her forehead the last time I saw her. That should help you find her.
Her text was so long it had an arrow to expand it. You know it's bad when even your iPhone can't handle her
I didn't want to hook up with him so I just jumped out of bed, yelled "I don't even believe in god!" and ran out of the room
He played with my nipples while singing "How great thou art"
she grabed my junk and started making lightsaber noises
I wonder if you could get her in a metal bikini
I will feel awake by 6 pm
Are we not meeting until 6?
No I'm just saying thats usually when my body knows it's time to party
I'm naked, eating straight Nutella, and listening to "Make you feel my love" on repeat. So no. He didn't ask me out.
What's a professional way to say get your shit in gear?
I Projectile vomited a massive question mark on Brent's bedroom wall. Don't tell him it was me. I want him to play the whodunit game.
Randomize
