Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
He moved away. I mourned his dick all of Sunday. I feel a little better now.
Is there a card that says "Sorry I got drunk at your Christmas party and tried to steal your monogrammed hand towels so that I could give you something nice for Christmas"?
Please talk me out of ordering the stripper pole for a dollar. Please.
if i'm ever face-down on the ground puking again, promise me you won't try to braid my hair?
"Every minute you spend hanging out with David is a minute you could spend meeting someone new, who isn't a huge douche" - Buddha
Girl, he can't tell you not to take a bump just because you work tomorrow. You're on a wedding diet, remember?
These kids are nice. Shrooms make everything so nice.
he didn't stitch me up last time. in fact, he yelled at me for bleeding.
I can recall having this conversation with a three year old, but go on
You can't die you're my only democrat family member
I think I just got drunk texted by my psychiatrist
I am so horny that I an legitimately concerned for your safety when I see you tonight.
I just left a 3 minute voicemail to the guy I want to fuck baby talking my cats and I don't know if I can delete it 😐
No problem...what are friends for if they can't rub eachothers genitals.
Randomize
