I have funfetti in my underwear...will you come get me?
you think the cum will come out of moms black shirt?
My mom just bought me $200 worth of booze on the condition that I promise I won't have to go to rehab eventually
Whatever you do to me, stop, I found yet another blonde hair in my asshole.
first day of class and my professor asked me if i was going to come to class drunk all semester.
she has a picture of her daughter riding a giant rooster.. of course i want to make obscene cock jokes
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
Just went through campus. In the span of 2 min I saw 4 places I've had sex. And thats just down one street. Man do I miss college.
You get drunk and try to bury your girlfriend in the sand JUST ONCE and all hell breaks loose
If there was a bread and water delivery truck id make sweet hungover love with it.
He stopped his car in the middle of ongoing traffic to ask me to marry him. Then he got pulled over. Yeah I'd say the slutty Dallas Cowboys costume was a success.
Your hotness may or may not have landed him in jail.
So I woke up really sad and then I looked in the cabinet and there was weed and now I'm not sad anymore
They had like literally all the dildos. It looked like a seance for dick. I left the apartment and haven't been back.
And then you screamed, "I JUST WANNA POUR MAPLE SYRUP ALL OVER HIM AND RAVISH HIS BODY!!"
Give me like 5, I have to feed a moose and find my pants.
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