I'm playing musical beds - it's not very fun
My roommate was eating ketchup out of a bowl. Get me the hell out of here.
beer for lunch on the first day back to school.... too soon?
sperm doesn't mix with malibu too well
I have a ginormous moral hangover. Strip club blues.
the bottle said: caution extremely flammable. so that was my motivation.
I don't understand but I fell asleep naked holding a tub of cool whip and a boiled egg
Hey did where's my bong?
In the tree out back .... Top branch on the right
Should I bother to ask?
My pupils are so HUGE you can see into my soul from 2 miles away
I suppose we should both be prepared for the secret service to come visit us after this conversation. Hi NSA.
I saw a classic trojan enz laying on his desk. So he's probably not into the kinky shit.
I woke up with Pop Rocks stuck to my ass
The fact that I can sew my leggings while intoxicated proves I'm a functioning alcoholic
Dude, they hit that lizard part of my brain that tells me to fuck people.
Preach sister.
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
Randomize
