wooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo
ooooooooooooo i'm drink
You were peeing on yourself thinking it was the sprinkler in your yard
Girl walking by was talking on the phone about how he needed to write a gratitude list in her letter to god this week. Too stoned
THE MIME IS MIMING TO BUST A MOVE KARAOKE. ALL MIME-RELATED EVENTS DESERVE CAPS LOCK
Ps this homeless dude just came in hotel bar w a sword sticking out his jumpsuit trying to buy a drink w a 3rd party check
How do I go about messaging a girl on a dating site whose little sister I've had a three some with...?
Shit. I'm suppose to call the bank but I'm too high to talk numbers.
Can I tell you that I just incorporated the spice girls in my sexting and you not judge me
Is it a coincidence that the reminder on my phone to take my birth control is "I'm ready to party" from Bridesmaids?
I am sitting in my lingerie, eating frozen cookie dough out of a bowl, and watching family. My hump day is going great
why the fuck is there hamburger meat in the toaster. i repeat: WHY THE FUCK IS THERE HAMBURGER MEAT IN MY NEW TOASTER
I think I'm pregnant again.
or as we call it, thursday.
I can't find my keys and there's a hotdog in my purse.
hey man , the girl you brought home last night is in the kitchen puking in the sink and asking if she can have more shots of Whiskey....think i should give her a shot glass or send her home....
Greetings from Florida; the armpit of the US, where my 240something lb brother nearly got carried away by some aggressive woodland mosquitoes. I was only spared because they could probably sense I was currently semi-disassociating and would not feel the suffering their presence wrought.
Anyway, how was your day?
Randomize
