He just said "Chunky" very loudly in his sleep.
I was drunk at peters. now im drunk at my apartment. and hungry. but mcdonalds is broken. wtf
Is it sad that I just used my electrical knowledge to not only fix but improve my vibrator?
Single person behavior: I wanted a cookie but was too lazy to make or go buy any, so I let cookie dough ice cream melt and ate all the chunks. Pantsless.
True. On an unrelated note I helped post bail for both of our ex girlfriends last night. Russian roulette: guess which one is pregnant?
Okay I take that back some girl just said pussy sweat. Get me outta here
Captain Morgan didnt let me down when i stand up it feels like the world is trying to hand me rainbows.
It was like a square peg in a round hole... I've never seen one shaped like a stick of butter...
he just kept texting even after we lit his shoelaces on fire. he just calmly walked into the pool... still texting.
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a Chick-Fil-A breakfast sandwich. How's your Monday?
I might have pissed in the corner of someone's shed. They have nice lawn mower.
He yelled at me to keep it in my pants and I replied with I will fuck your roommate as much as I please. Oops
I'm just blindly tossing my dick into whatever comes my way.
I just found three upside down bottles of grapejuice in a triangle around the air freshener above my toilet... I guess it was one of those nights
skipped tacos for a blowjob. No tacos. No blowjob. More importantly...no tacos. Wtf?
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