booty call
i swear to god if you come over i will kick you in the pussy.
So after THIS dui, I've decided to stop driving. Not drinking, just quit driving.
The only way I could have failed my exam worse is if there would have been a drug test portion
We just threw our carpet out of our room. Via fourth floor window style.
You need an intervention. You fell into traffic walking home.
Not really. Birthday weekend. Totally jusifiable. Besides I didn't get hit. No harm no foul.
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
Bitch looked at my dick and said "I thought they called you horsecock, I'm already disappointed"
I told you that line would get her home never said it was a good idea
Her boyfriend caught us fucking and said "cool you're cheating too" and left.
You live a charmed life.
Finally had sex in the new kitchen. Burnt the hamburgers and hit myself in the face with the freezer door. Worth it.
We might as well just set our livers out to sea on burning ships
I woke up and there was a mans ass as my screensaver...
He made me a flamingo drink and now I don't know why things are the way they are.
Well, I crapped my pants in front of her entire family, was laughed out of their house, and I had to walk home with shit stained pants. So, yeah, it went really well.
You keep making the old jokes & I'm gonna come down with a sudden case of low-estrogen related vaginal dryness..
My trash can is full of used condoms and girl scout cookie boxes.
Randomize
