who are you and why are you in my phone as dr. seuss
I just put a picture of what I imagine Rob's dick looks like on it on my vision board. thank you Oprah!
your mascara is on the toilet seat from when you fell asleep last night
Got drunk. Then they sung "we didnt start the fire" to my other cousin who accidentally burnt down the house when she was younger.
Fuck men. I'm going to go eat a package of cookie dough and get fat. I hope I die of salmonella.
The guy in the cast riped the tap off the keg and hit steve with it
Alright fuck it. Alcoholic Jamie is back and here to stay.
he just hooked up with some chick in a bedroom upstairs so I just went to sleep in the pantry closet...
He screamed AMERICA, took a shot of vodka out of a Tupperware container, and then asked if he could see my tits
how do you always get into these "we banged the same dude now lets be friends" situations???
I threw up in bed last night and tried cleaning it with oldspice and baby powder
He was awful. Hubby's was apparently epic. I suck at swinging.
I think I'm in the negatives for the quantity of fucks given today.
He fucked me for my Netflix login, I fucked him for his HBO login, and actually I think that's beautiful
Socially acceptable to sleep in a booth in the library? Its not finals but I dunno if I can make it back to south. Too drunk.
Randomize
