You talked to that cop for like 15 minutes and when you got back, you told us you were "networking".
Yeah I'm about to go down a waterslide that comes out a 2nd story window. I love college.
Dude. I have so much pot that i only worry about running out of lighters
The fool I made of myself at the Ugly Christmas Sweater party last night was surpassed this morning when I walk of shamed 6 miles at 7am with one mysterious wet leg and no pants on. I think my mom saw me and waved.
she was trying to use her iTranslate app while we were having sex.
when he pulled his cock out I told him he'd brought a knife to a sword fight
I want to play lord of the rings tonight. And by that I mean get really drunk, potentially lost, and go trekking through the woods or climbing shit. I want all of you there. You are the fellowship. This is a mass text. I am insanely high.
we're going to the olympic park to run the 100m yeaaaahhh
it's 3am. Nothing could possibly go wrong here.
fuck whipped cream. I'd eat vegetables off those abs
You ask too many questions when I'm blowing you. You're like a dentist asking how my day has been during a cleaning.
Grilled cheese and shark week. Unemployment done right.
Do NOT approach him. He has sex with everything. LITERALLY everything, and I DO mean everything. He's so horny we once caught him with his dick in a pumpkin. A legitimate honest to God pumpkin that he bored a hole in
I had cheese pancakes which is pretty much just melting cheese in a frying pan and then eating it except youre in denial that your life is a wreck
It's National Whipped Cream Day, prep those nips
She keeps comparing me to her favorite dildo and I don’t know if I’m flattered or creeped out
Randomize
