i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out.
Tonight was like the Noah's Ark of alcohol. I had to have two of everything.
is it wrong that I want a "Where The Wild Things Are" tshirt that points to my junk?
well this feels familiar. awake at the crack of dawn laying in the fetal position praying for the sweet release of death. i think im done with jager for a while
i crunched every chip from the dorito bag and poured it in the vase. never again will i have to deal with cool ranch fingers.
Whenever I said your name you screamed polo and did another shot.
It's a lightpost hitting you in the head. Of course it's going to hurt the day after.
I'm unsure as to how you were able to snapchat me with your hands duck taped to beer, but I appreciated it nonetheless.
What if he stabs me in the back, mid-orgasm, as I sit on his face? It'd be a miraculous way to go but that's not the point
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
Just saw a government minister puke and rally.
mid-october of freshman year. goals have shifted from "no more guys on my floor" to "all the guys on my floor."
Okay, first we buy a pirate outfit and then we get drunk, you in or you out?
Hey how're your balls?
Don't ever let me helicopter again.
Please tell me why I’m standing naked in the kitchen drinking pickle juice out of the jar & there is a container of potatoe salad with no lid & a spoon in it on the floor 🤦♀️
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