He like poked it twice with the tip of his tongue then left it alone. I'm sad.
If he comes back to you and I'm left alone in lonelytown I'm totally going to poo on your car.
He wants to be 'in an open relationship'. Fuck that. That's the online equivalent of letting him pee in a circle around me.
Just jerked off to Cameron Diaz in "My Sister's Keeper". New low.
I can't be the first person ever who had to explain why her bottle of orange juice had a picture of a screwdriver drawn on it
That girl gave me her number because you were arrested. I am so proud of you dude.
Just so everyone's clear, it was already on fire when I got there.
I'm sober enough to question why I have your name as "the wolverine" in my phone.
Im in the bathtub drunk. Less than an hour before the interview. This will be the best or worst career move ever., support?
How would I get in touch with Carly Rae Jepsen if I wanted to thank her for the loss of my virginity?
If you can't seal the deal with her, I will. And you know I'll be successful. So there's your incentive
Shroomed with my best friend'a dad at his wife's surprise birthday party so you can say I have experience in the field
Drunk me just left a note for sober me apologizing for all the fucking crumbs in our bed
the bouncer just handed me a Starbucks bag of pound cake
He was literally screaming at me for using the same knife to scoop the peanut butter and the jelly.
Randomize
