me texting you is like we have secret walkie talkies.
it was funny though when you first woke up you pointed at my shoe and said i need my jacket and then put my shoe on your hand
They're donating plasma together for extra money. Couple of the fucking century.
Why do you keep getting laid in MY dreams
Def drinking wine from a 4 liter jug at 11 am. If i call you in 20 years talking about 12 steps, please trace is back to this moment.
Just because its your birthday does not mean u can play quarters by dropping quarters into cups to make me drink.
When u wake up, don't be alarmed by the passed out mariachi band, they're cool. Muchos gracias
Whatever she smells like compost and feathers.
I believe they call that patchouli.
There is a midget driving a powered tricycle around town. I am not drunk, stoned, or lying.
He told me how it ended, then I blew him.
So he ruined the best cinematic experience of your life and you REWARDED him??
I know the wedding is going to be a good time, I don't have to wear a bra with my dress
Riding your boyfriend's dick for an hour then waitressing for 8 hours. Would not recommend.
If so I'm coming over there. There's no way I'm having "hello, how are you" conversations with my neighbors on acid
How is it that 364 days a year I'm the adult, but on Halloween you completely forget how to have fun and become my grandma?
First she snuck beer into the movies and then proceded to give me a handjob in the dark theatre. I think I'm in love
Randomize
