i feel like a thai whore the morning after the navy left.
she needs to learn to take compliments like she takes dicks.
I think drunk me is telling hungover me something... I just have to crack the code.
omg i forgot michael madsen was in free willy this is the most epic movement of my stoned life
Hulk Hogan has now convinced 2 women to marry him & I have yet to have a successful or healthy relationship. I am officially depressed.
gave myself the "you're a really good girlfriend" talk on the way to where i intentionally cheated on him. i am my own drunken therapist.
There are a bunch of guys at the door looking for the guy you brought back to the condo...pretended not to speak English. You're welcome.
There's a wake for a coworker on 420 during te time of 420... Hoping everyone will be too sad to notice how high I am.
i'm in that phase where i'll swallow anything except food
I woke up sandwiched between them, all of us naked, and they were just sharing a cigarette, a donut, and the paper like it was just some normal post-threesome Sunday brunch.
He was too drunk, and my mother and I ended up babysitting him. He told her I have amazing mouth skills, and that I love the "chorizo" he feeds me. All she said was "And on the list of 30 things you never want to hear about your daughter..." while gripping the steering wheel.Please just fucking kill me now.
Lying naked in bed eating carrot cake of off my bare breasts while watching Family Guy. Tonsilitis isn't all bad!
Dude did you see that video of yourself crying while bathing in vodka on YouTube?
I have a bag of frozen peas on my vagina. If you want to talk about real problems.
Upstairs definitely just had sex while I wrote you love poetry. That was a fun experience 🤷🏻♀️
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