My grandmass entire neighborhood is over for dessert and i'm high as fuck...about to make a couple of freshman boys real uncomfortable
Freshman in high school? Just your type
how should i go about explaining the hickey i drunkenly gave myself last night?
i do some of my deepest thinking on my wednesday morning walks of shame
he put on The Eye of the Tiger while she was in labor.
I have no idea what happened after 2 AM. I woke up on my bike, in my bed, with a deep thigh bruise.
Dude in front of me just jumped out of line at Starbucks to go puke. Vegas in prime form.
I wish! That ended in 2001 when we all got collectively band from the Settle Inn. As a group we are also band from social events at the zoo. It's impressive really.
Everyone threw up but him. I took off my shirt because I puked on it. There were also a lot of drag queens involved.
Drunk me needs to be reminded of my sexual preferences.
at least it wasnt animals
Ugh did we play golf last night and did you by chance hit my head with a club or a ball?
He told me he wanted to sober fuck the shit outa me... I took that as a compliment
The joke is on me because whale penis is forever in my search history.
Worth it.
I WOULD SERIOUSLY RECOMMEND THE SHIT THAT I AM ON RIGHT NOW
I flashed my boobs, shit my pants, and kissed the wrong twin. I'm on a roll you don't want in on.
I informed him that we had less than 5 minutes left to live, and his first words were "I'm trying to think of a good They Might Be Giants quip"
Randomize
