Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
We've finally become those guys who you'd see in middle school when you went to the park who are just stoned out of their minds sitting on the swings.
Just made a Mimosa with Chardonnay and Emergen-C.
i chipped my tooth tryin to cut thru her pantyhose. that stuff is bulletproof.
slowly transforming into a stationary lump of steel. how can you tell me that was JUST weed
Everything tastes like Lysol. Am I dying?
The best part of my day was getting high in the parking lot of the movie theater and taking pics in the photo booth with the caption "CONGRATULATIONS!" we geeked out because it congratulated us for getting high
He pulled a condom out of his satchel and i questioned my entire life.
Just remembered I railed lines while holding a puppy
I seriously had alll four of your knuckles bruised into my arm
I woke up in your kitchen with my ID in my hand and my nails were painted electric blue. Dude.... never let me have fireball again.
I want you
Nvm, now I want someone who replies to my booty-call texts faster
Change the sheets & put your dick in the dishwasher. I'll see you in an hour.
I know I drink too much cuz "ssssjllapph peneinssesss" automatically comes up in my phone now.
Punched myself in the face trying to open a bottle of Vicodin one handed. Night is going well.
Randomize
