Dogs love guiness but it fucks up their kidneys
getting your period on valentines day is like an extra little fuck you, now you REALLY have no chance of sex tonight.
Holy shit. Do you realize what this means? Officially all of my ex-bfs are either dead or gay
He chucked my pickle at the bouncer. Fucker, I wanted that.
We got back from Mcdonalds and literally 5 minutes of being in your room, you wanted to go back because "We haven't been yet."
He goes "sorry was at the gym. Some of us workout " and I wanted to text him back and go "well some of us do occasional drugs so we don't have to"
Come my child we shall walk thru the pasture of amazing sex and corndogs. Hint:some corndogs are not corndogs.
Doing the walk of shame and bringing my dad a newspaper en route. Favourite daughter status confirmed.
Would you be mad if I just used the argument "I'm allowed to say that, my best friend is a lesbian"?
Never. I'm proud to help you win arguments.
That is an awkward looking cockshot, not gonna lie
I brought ur friend Scotty home... He started rubbing my crotch then fell down and passed out in front of the microwave
I'm drunk, laying in bed, eating macaroni salad. I dropped a piece and tried to pick it up with a fork. My cleavage is bleeding and I haven't been laid yet. Heeeyyyy!!!
On the upside I'm hairless from the waist down. On the downside, I just chemically burned my labia
Walking around as slutty Ron Swanson is amazing
If we try hard enough and believe in ourselves, we can still make it to Wendy's before they close
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