Di me a solid and hit me with your car.
Can someone please explain to me how I got rugburn on my tits?
i might even pee on it at walmart i am so nervous
I had a dream last night that I had sex with Abe Lincoln. I must stop watching the History Channel before I go to bed.
He has in a pan: ten pieces of bacon, two cloves of garlic, an egg (not scrambled or hard boiled, just an egg) and frozen corn.
If it looks really sketchy and smells like burnt pizza and pot you're in the right place
These welts and bruises from letting gay boys whip my thighs last night are a clear indication i should lay off the tequila.
It gives me purpose in life to help fulfill nerdy fantasies. Like I'm doing something good for mankind and having multiple orgasms in the process.
Fucking in bar bathrooms doesn't count as "rushing things"
you know it was a successful halloween when you wake up and have a firecracker in your tits
I forgot about snapchatting a pic of us, but I remember flossing with your hair.
Because I'm currently dying, lacking waffles, and vaguely convinced I'm an eagle
I can hear the pillow talk now, "how many condoms did you bring? Good, put them all on,"
I may or may not have tried to give myself a lobotomy
We broke into a construction site had sex on a scissor lift and realized it was a church...tomorrow again??
Randomize
