i told her that she could bring as many friends as she wanted and then she asked how many people i could fit in my bed...BEST. DAY. EVERRRR.
boyfriend complimented me on my new prada shoes today. he is officially either gay or the man im gonna marry. knowing my luck it's all of the above.
Sooo sorry about that. And crying. And comparing my life to a duck
It's not normal to lose a tooth eating a McDouble.
More likely there's a very shell-shocked cat wandering around somewhere, covered in potato peelings
Pretty sure God shed a tear when I put 15 singles in the collection plate.
most of the afternoon was spent sneaking around my house and alternating which bathrrom to throw up in.
Hey I came back and we made joints with the breathalyzers the cops left last night.
I did something similar high once. I stopped like 30 feet in front of a stop sign because I felt like it was running towards me and I started crying. Got out my car and hugged it and told it not to run away people need it.
My kids are NEVER playing in the park more than 2 feet away from me until they are capable of punching an eagle.
it was like a shit fog rolling out of the east to encompass me and have it's way with me
Totally forgot I asked the cop for a theoretical fist bump and he still let me drive away
that pic of me and the hulking football player sure does come in handy when creepy guys hit on me at the bar.
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
If I die here, tell my vagina and my cats that I'm sorry.
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