If I had a sex resume I'd get tons of jobs.
awesome recipe for disaster- bar hopping at the airport
How can you turn a kayak date down? I'M TALKING RIVER HEAD HERE.
Just got a blowjob on the pier where my great-grandfather entered America.
I'm still not a hundred percent.. I haven't shit anything solid in two days.. I have pulled my puker muscles and I can't take deep breaths cuz of other unidentified muscles/maybe heart attack
Ugh I just wanna make an announcement like: Attention high school classmates: if we haven't spoken in 5 years, we don't need to start now. Please be on your way
Lesson of the night- sweaty dick can get stuck to ice, and require medical attention.
my brain is opting to stay half drunk rather than relearn how to think. the rest of me is in no position to argue.
I feel like shit, and I can't get the band aids off my nipples.
Just used the handle end of a spatula to get the baggie of coke wedged between my passenger seat. Innovation points?
He washed his dick in my kitchen sink after sex. I think he might be a keeper.
Jesus I was next level high last night having a mental epiphany about the state of Virginia
He doesn't like Sabbath and that alone is a GIANT red flag. Learn from my experiences and never, I mean NEVER associate with people that hate Black Sabbath and Motörhead.
I have a burn on my hand, I'm covered in bruises, I think my toe is broken, and I have no clothes to wear home.
i think we sleep fucked last night...
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