you have to give me like a days notice for these kinds of things, you cant just call at 9 am and expect me to be sober
you yelled "you will never make love to jesus" and then ran into the tv.
He's coming over tonight...I really wish I didn't have my period right now...
I believe I'm witnessing the first time ever that you wished your period would NOT come....
I cleaned out the fridge, had to pound the brews. I am going to be wrecked for my final at 1
Made fish tank punch. It's like trash can punch but in a fish tank. Also, my dad saw a picture I uploaded on Facebook and called me a pussy for only making 10 gallons.
My roommate said I banged on the wall and said, "this dude eats pussy like a champ."
I dunno what the deal was, but you spent about an hour trying to put your phone charger in the outlet and you were yelling "one plug to rule them all"
The look on the dr's face when she asked me the last time i had sex and i responded "like an hour and a half ago" ... priceless
Also send boobie pics with bobs burgers in background its the only way to get me off anymore
Do you ever get a cramp in like, ONE labia?
Please remind me next time not to call the ex who cheated on me to cry about the ex who forgave me for putting him in prison. It would be much appreciated.
it was a hallmark card with butt plugs.
i just got hit by a door and im the one that said im sorry, yeah im drunk.
Found your bra in my backseat. And yes it took me that long to finally clean it out from last weekend
Didn't even know it was missing, if that makes you feel any better
That moment when you’re at the doctor to give a sperm sample you’re only getting 3G so the porn is buffering
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