Remember ______, girl, blonde, one of my roommates the first year of ________?
Yeah we hooked up in the top bunk bed while simultaneously having a conversation with u, so yeah, I remember her
i think the date started going downhill when i mentioned how many therapists i have
He was pretty out of it. He heard crickets outside, and thought it was the laptop. So he put his ear to it, rubbed the keyboard, and said "tell me your secrets."
Weed smoke burps in the boss's face. Job security.
all I heard when I woke up this morning was "BONG HITS FOR BREAKFAST" being yelled repeatedly.
tell your freshman friends. will trade sexual favors for swipes. ive got dinner tomorrow open and lunch on wed
Sat in the shower and reenacted the "Wiggle your big toe" scene from Kill Bill. THAT hungover.
$150 and 3 orgasms. Dogsitting is awesome.
Is it bad that I'm using the photo I took for my fake ID as my linkedin profile pic?
So is the trick to long distance communication to be drunk during phone conversations?
KY in my mouth and throat does not a party make.
I said "one day" and that day is not today
Haha I'M GOING TO MISS HIS PENIS SO MUCH. But not his bipolarness.
3.5 bazillion penises. So not that hard to find a new good one
They kept freaking out that you were missing and potentially having sex.. like it was a bad thing. Got fed up with hearing it so i just yelled "ITS HER BIRTHDAY AND SHE CAN FUCK IF SHE WANTS TO!" They gave me unnecessary looks. I thought it was acceptable.
You better have a raging boner when I get to your house and it better be worth missing work in the morning.
Randomize
