never let anyone you met on skype borrow your car. lesson learned.
Tostitos scoops are the best shotglasses ever. Eat it after as a chaser.
They normally just get fucked up and see who can hold their hand on the exhaust the longest. It's great
Make good choices ;) This is your automated cockblock message
I just need to go to a bar tonight wrapped in an American flag singing the national anthem
Please tell me why there is some girl tied to our toilet?
He tricked me into going on a double date with him, I don't like that he's not using me for just sex anymore
there is an extreme lack of margarita in my mouth.
ps I'm eating candy off our sex sheets. gotta say the only thing better than sweet tarts is sweet tarts with a hint of sex. perfect post vday situation
Please collect your boy friend. He semi-passed out on the couch and trying to grab bums as people walk by. Anyone's bum, he's not choosy.
I don't have time to shower before my passport photos...your cum is all over my hair...that's with me for 10 years now
You have set the bar insurmountably high with apple pie and buttsex.
I got your flops too. But yeah you rolled off your raft a bunch of times so we had to ask the white trash squad to help you back on. You bit one of them
I should not be allowed to be in possession of a fifth and a phone at the same time.
Your friend was nice but you didn't have to bang her in my kitchen...just sayin.
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