Mines from giving head on hardwood floors.
Night out in new white coat = success. Offered free breast exams all night, two took me up on it, woke up with one. I love medical school!!!
Just made a photo collage of the girls I've hooked up with this summer. I'm patting myself on my back right now
Come help me clean. I know we won't be getting our security deposit back...but I would like to move out with our dignity.
My heart is having a hard time convincing my vagina he's not worth it.
Hey everyone. This evenings celebration will commence with a cocktail hour at genghis at 830 to be followed with an upscale dining experience at taco bell at 10. All are welcome. This is not a joke. Thank you
Emily is drunk. We're coming to see you at work and we're bringing jello shots for you.
Remind me again why sleeping with a coworker and his wife would be a terrible idea.
we aren't going to have kids. there's a 50% chance that they would look like him. not worth the risk
I'm smoking a bowl and pondering why we haven't discovered teleportation again.
How am I so hungover that wearing sunglasses hurts my head?
Nothing like an alcohol-fueled, 6-hour-long hunt for weed--complete with occasional breaks for sex.
Don't call police on the strange man passed out in his car in the driveway. I'll be home around noon to collect him.
I like being woken up by phone calls of you sabotaging marriages
Lesson Learned: It's not a party until someone pisses their pants.
Randomize
