after we finished he farted and said 'i've been holding that one in'
Your brother just informed me that half a mouthful is a unit of measurement. I love talking to members of your family.
Just made gatorade. in the bathtub.
Yo, if someone calls you asking for John Stamos, just go with it.
It's summer and yet I still can't have one library session w/o seeing someone who has had their penis in me.
I asked my mom if I was the drunkest one in the room. With 8 days till I go back to school, I couldn't care less about being shitfaced at a baptism
I woke up with her little sister yelling "she's dead !!" from the bathroom doorway.
PRINCE HARRY WAS AT WAL MART SO NEXT TIME YOU BITCH ABOUT GOING TO WAL MART REMEMBER THAT EVEN PRINCE HARRY GOES TO WAL MART.
Wait does semen show up on blood tests?
He asked me if my princess crown was real and before I could say yes, he was already reaching to put it on. I'm pretending I'm asleep if he tries to have sex.
I can no longer play with you. I puked on my feet in the shower. I'm too old for this.
I still don't understand if he's using me to write his resume or if we're dating
I let him stay at my place since i had to work early and when i got home there was a fruit snack wrapper in my bed. I dont have any fruit snacks. Which means he brought his own fruit snacks to the fuck session.
Blacked out and Irish exited last night. At dinner. On a Sunday.
A black cat walked my drunken ass home last night and made sure I made it back into the apartment safe. Sat with me for 30 minutes as I struggled to unlock the door. Guardian angel or drunken hallucinations?
Randomize
