if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
someone, somewhere in austin has to have a muppet
well he showed me a naked baby picture and i was right it hasn't grown
idk if you're aware of this...but we could potentially have the greatest hate sex...ever.
captain&coke to the library. STAT. this is an emergency. this is not a drill. I repeat: THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I took an adderall. This is weird. My eyes are really wide open and I am really good at staring. I've written on 9 peoples walls and updated my status. I am getting shit DONE!
I think we need to have a day of drinking in classes. I know we don't share any, but sacrifices need to be made.
My homemade mace ate through its aluminum container. I make awesome mace.
I am just glad I was home to catch most of it, cause it smells BAD.
I'm not a scientist but that could be because it's homemade mace. That is however just a hypothesis
Besides the one of you shaking your cock for 10sec that was one of the best snapchat's ever haha
It's all part of my master plan: have him buy me all I can eat pizza and all I can drink beer AND THEN tell him there was no spark and we're better off as friends.
I gave him a HANDJOB.
But then he finished from a handjob in under two minutes so who's really laughing?
You just kinda wondered into the street and started screaming at dogs and small children...
I volunteer to be the person who breaks into the room and runs around naked and has to be escorted out by police.
I fucked a marine... I told him it was like personal revenge and he said he could live with that and that he didn't mind being used.
Decided to smoke a bowl in my closet while my parents are gone. Just sat in the closet because I couldn't remember how to get out. Started panicking cuz I thought they were gonna show up... Checked my phone. It's been 4 minutes.
Randomize
