Everyone is in jail. I'll see what i can do though
Best thing law school has taught me: how to use logic to turn a girls "no I will not have sex with you" into "well I might as well get laid"
I just watched her pee in a trashcan, im still probably going to fuck her, what does that say about my standards
my parents decided to start a new christmas tradition. we will now be drinking champagne while opening presents, and we each get our own bottle
I think I ate my cheesy fiesta potatoes cup.
They invited me day drinking but brought their kids. 3 two year olds and 1 11 month old. I was asked to change a diaper, I laughed and took another drink of this margarita. I LIKE CHANEL AND TEQUILA NOT CHILDREN. Can we make new friends?
all I'm saying is if you're gonna fuck a fat chick do it in a pool it's like zero gravity or something
how did you graduate high school
we're the same shoe size and he owns more pairs of heels than i do. this could be the beginning of a beautiful friendship
So, I had a dream last night that involved you as an actual cloaked Captain America and a lot of weird sex, and I didn't hate it.
Drove by a guy getting road head, midday on O Street. That could be us, but you won't let me in your pants when you drive.
I'm naked on my couch and just ate a chip that was in my belly button.. my 20s have been weird.
I just slammed a bottle of white wine before I came to Whole Foods so basically I'm just training to be a middle aged white woman.
I have blood and BBQ sauce all over my shirt. I blame you for the blood.
PSA. Do not shart while wearing a jock strap at work. That is all.
Watching South Park, doing sit-ups and drinking tequila. In other words, my night is going pretty good.
Randomize
