i had the deer in headlights look when she walked in and i was digging in her hamper
Zach says you can't see his penis until after we're married...not sure why?! Bt then he said he thinks maybe you already have on the wild animal night!
Pre-order weed for 4/20 and i'll give you a discount.
Don't make me out to be the bad guy. You practically MADE me cum on your food.
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
His search history includes homemade sex toys and a plunger. I'm scared about what goes on in their place.
I apparently insisted on hugging all the bushes and apologizing for pollution on the way home.
I just dropped $300 on lingerie. He better rip this off with his teeth.
You know, we cock-blocked like 5 people last night. It's like we're her vagina goalies
You are cordially invited to an I'm not pregnant laser tag celebration tomorrow. booze is optional.
Vodka, rum, moonshine, I don't care, just bring like 5gallons.
Bottom line; if I'm coming out of my bat cave to do the dishes and get a chicken wing and I have no pants or makeup on and my messy bun looks more like Santa got leprosy and crashed his sled into the back of my head then let me be. That's all I'm saying.
Why were you doing tequila shots out of Boston Pizza dip containers?
this morning's inventory: a top hat, two empty bottles of everclear, half a slim jim, cigars, tiara, pot necklace, and some fishnets. and that's just my purse.
Don't come in. My door to my bathroom won't close because of the table and I'm pooping
Classy
Randomize
