either we just had an earthquake or I am really good @ masturbating
WTF why am I in the Atlanta airport?
Why did you put hummus in my pillow case?
just got home. some guy on my porch is tryin to show me his balls. no more parties at my apartment.
Got a handy at the foam party. Took girl home. Banged her. Thanked her for foam handy. "what handy?"
He asked me if the reason I slept around is because I grew up in a broken home. I am so done fucking Christians.
He's the conductor of the struggle bus
I RODE THAT FINE PIECE OF STRUGGLE BUS
My boyfriend just asked what time I was coming over. As soon as my old BF unchains me. I think he ran away.
ok, i suppose pissing your pants could be considered a wardrobe malfunction.
Just introduced myself to a group of people and one dude said "You're Marc!? I've heard many a legend of you." I raised bottle of champagne, said cheers, and drank with them.
Who gets call-your-ex-from-4-years-ago drunk on a Thursday??
Welp, just took a tab of acid and cracked one of three bottles of champagne... Mondays ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯
I don't want the fire department to come out here twice in one weekend because of your god damn vape.
chasing tequila with frosting. best baby shower ever.
snapping my married booty call and next thing I know a plan b ad pops up
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