My girlfriend figured out who you are.
What do you think she thinks of us?
I think she thinks we're whores... but ya I think she likes us
Being college poor has reached a new low. I am giving up on masturbating so i can save money on toilet paper
Sucks about the cops last night
to be honest when I first looked up I wanted to know who was coming from a costume party..
Have you ever wondered what your stripper song would be?
Just did it in a room with glowing stars to Peter Gabriel's down to earth on shrooms. This is like god
Because you stood over the Ice luge screaming STONE COLD and poured beer on everyone
That freshman kid successfully snuck into a college party, got caught, proceeded to jump out of a second story window without getting a scratch then met up with us a block away and somehow managed to get a bottle of grey goose in the meantime. He is truly blessed by the alcohol gods
You need to get laid. You spent last night stumbling through the club pulling couples apart and telling them to leave room for Jesus.
Best feedback on my performance so far: "There are things that can't be unseen."
Send help, water and tortillas.
I can't remember if I puked before or after the shots of absinthe. Or why I thought shots of absinthe was a good idea.
Don't worry dude, I've created a sex logic bomb to stop that sort of thing.
Comedy Central is in dire need of more sitable faces late at night - Trevor Noah has a baby face - there are federal rules against those types of sexual fantasies
So a bottle of lube exploded all over my softball bag and Nike shirt.
Randomize
