Fact: my bamboo plant has grown 2 & 1/2 inches since I started watering it with bong water
I am getting my wife a tattoo just above her butthole that says, "For entry just add tequila."
Just woke up to find myself cooking eggs on the imaginary stove in my room.
Which genius got me a voicemail of myself puking?
I just remembered that I did shots out of a gay mans crotch. And there's someone saved in my phone as "Miranda knows where my car is"
She said she liked strap-ons.
SHE WAS TALKING ABOUT SHOES, YOU ASSHOLE! YOU'RE THE WORST WINGMAN EVER!
I can't believe you picked a finger in the ass over lunch with me.
when you're a senior and the freshman guy you wake up next to asks who you are, you DO NOT give him your real name.
I want to get "Patrick Kane" wasted tonight
I am one hundred percent down for that
Yes I am wallowing. There is a significant lack of cookie dough
In two separate occurrences, I could have avoided getting my heart broken, and chlamydia, all with a left swipe.
I just used my dick as to measure where my desk would go because I don't have a tape measure or a ruler.
I mean, it was a fun hookup and he's cute and whatnot, but he wouldn't go down on me. Plus he's a republican. Idk why but those things feel like they go hand in hand.
THAT BEAUTIFUL FACE AND HEAVENLY LIGHTING IS NOT HELPING THE NOT DEAD POINT HOW DO I NOT KNOW YOU ARE NOT TEXTING ME FROM THE AFTERLIFE
The after life smells like latex gloves and hand soap
YOU ATE THE FUCKING GOLDFISH!?
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