I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
We're watching an ocean show on Discovery Channel and drinking every time they say "dolphins." PS. Seals kill birds. Tell all your friends.
At this point it has been so long i wouldnt know what a dick was if it slapped me in the face.
ever seen your mom drunk enough to lick your face? i have
Horny girl and non horny girl have different views on life
is this the sara with the beer cane?
Well, he has like 3 girlfriends but I think I could be polygamist for that dick.
It says a lot about how well I know you when I can understand messages of yours that say things like "sauteed Jesus."
ok is that genuinely the first four bars of mozart's symphony #40 sharpied onto my arm or
Pretty sure I recall hugging our waiter from the bar last night. That also means we are NEVER going there again
The Winnie the Pooh costume was great until you got drunk and started yelling at the kids asking for pictures.
I literally wonder, frequently, "Will anyone ever fuck me until i go cross eyed for 2 hours again?''
He's giving me the absolute bare minimum amount of attention. Like whatever motherfucker, I've had like six super likes on tinder today
How are you feeling today?
Like Satan handed me a grenade and ass sandwich.
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