I'm so fucking centered right now
"Ever since I killed her kid she be actin' shady." Actual quote overheard at Marine World just now. Oh God.
Guess who has two thumbs, loves booze, and just dug half a handle of rumb out of a trash can in a freshmen dorm? This classy gentleman. Good day to you sir!
i'm like carrie bradshaw but prettier and with a penis
im learning from these one night stands last time i came in her this time i came on her AND deleted every contact in her phone!
She told me I reminded her of the fair. And she wanted to deep fry my dick and eat it.
So he thinks I sent him a picture of my boob last night, but it was really just a close up of my arm.
He set an alarm on my phone to an infant screaming and puking to make sure i take my pill. its working.
Fun fact. I am at the police dept. getting served a warrant for unpaid ordinance... and the officer was a one night stand from like 10 years ago.
Taking advantage of alcohol's depressant capabilities to curtail my fever. SCIENCE!
just almost had a panic attack because i couldn't find the granola bar i put in my purse. i miss klonopin.
She made me a smoothie in the morning.. It was vodka and fruit.
Riddle me this: How does one check in at the Marriott, but wake up at the W?
I woke up this morning fully clothed with a dart in my pocket
theres a canoe in our lawn. we dont own a canoe.
it was the only safe place
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