Are you dead
Yes
Oh man
Someone fed me too many chicken nuggets and sexed me too hard
Just be blunt and say drink from my dick
Just put a picture of dead dolphins on her wall...told her the oil spill was her fault.
Just flooded the bathroom while masturbating in the shower. Managed to squeege most of it up. Desperately need to get laid.
Do you think my job would send me for a second drug test if i took a whole pumpkin pie to work for lunch tomorrow?
I tried to explain to the cop how we all have skeletons in our closets but he just wouldn't listen.
For the past year I have been the most responsible I have ever been in my entire life and now spring break is here and there is free penis just traipsing around my entire town. The game is afoot.
Right now, there's some ten year old kid getting ready to go outside and play basketball. He will soon find out his basketball hoop was no match for my car.
Swish.
Can you come pick me up and take me to breakfast then the police station?
Where's your car?
The girl I brought home apparently stole it
I walked into the bathroom and there's this 6'5" cop washing his hands. He looks at me and goes, "Heard you singing outside. Sound real pretty."
No more tequila EVER.
I met a guy last night who bought me a book on Amazon at the bar and then we had sex. Boners for books is a thing. Boom.
We were like one big happy Eskimo family.
congratulations on joining the accidental bisexual club
I POOPED CONFETTI TOO. Ingested unacceptable amount of it oh my god can I die from this?
I consider walking to the bars and dancing my exercise and I buy doubles so my drinks r heavier so that's my arm workout
Randomize
