We need to get cat food
Nevermind, the cat will eat lucky charms
it really sends the message that i like to impregnate mortal women and have them birth fantastic half man-half god infants.
Spent 30 minutes in the board meeting trying to figure out where the foul smell was coming from. Thought it was the guy's feet sitting next to me. Then i uncrossed my legs. Turns out it was my vagina. Thank goodness for travel size febreeeze.
I pretended I didn't remember seeing him hookup with that freshman, and he pretended he didn't remember seeing me hookup with that old guy. We have a beautiful and unawkward friendship.
Theres either a bag of coke in my pocket or a bag of anthrax, either way last night got way to serious
Downside to Halloween: you can't tell if the guy dressed as Gene Simmons from KISS that keeps flirting with you is hot or not...I decided to err on the side of caution and assume not...
The judge mental looks i am getting while looking at porn on my phone sitting in the urgent care waiting room is gonna get way worse when they find out im here to see if im pregnant
I chugged that bitch with a dip in.
You somehow managed to be a man whilst drinking a Mike's Hard. I commend you.
Totally shot down my boss for sex today. Approaching this weekend with a clear conscience and an untouched vagina.
I went by my nickname in rehab. It made it feel more like summer camp.
Worst walk of shame man. They had a fire drill at 7am, had to walk out of her all girl dorm wearing my Everday I'm Hustling sweater
Yeah but sometimes your vagina needs to be fed and when we are drunk we tend to eat junk food
i don't know man... i just want to listen to John Lennon every time i finish fucking her. is this love?
Knowing that porn stars want to fall in love is the weirdest thing I've found to be beautiful recently. I'm so lonely.
I just want to get drunk and not have to worry about you leaving me at the bar.
Randomize
