There's this guy beside me dancing with this girl with no panties on. When I looked at him he said he's babysitting his bestfriend's girlfriend since he can't come out.
What a good friend
We need to have an Itty-Bitty Titty Committee mtg somewhere in the range of 5 minutes to ASAP.
just got cropdusted by the delivery guy...this was not in my job description.
just wanted to thank u for shitting in my dads bidet last night. i had to manually scoop ur shit out of it. btw ur dumped.
If we order a pizza and I contribute 9 cents, is that fair?
we were looking for paper towels to wrap his hand and i yanked a drawer out of the cabinet, it was fun so we just kept doing it. things escalated and long story short, he isn't gettin his security deposit back
you said you didn't want to carry the pizza box so just folded up the pizza and put it in your pocket
I just went through the Wendy's drive thru only wearing a towel. My life has hit an all time low
He sent me a snapchat of him singing wrecking ball. Guess what the wrecking ball was. Hint: he literally came.
I JUST LIKE FLANNEL, NOT VAGINAS! OK?
I'm home now if you wanna come over.
Sloane just tried to lick my eyeball. I'm going to regain my composure then I'll be there.
Oh my god I'm in a public bathroom with a space heater. I never want to leave
I have the liquor shits and this time, it's personal.
Girl you're stalking so hard you're gonna know both their social security numbers soon
Of two things I'm absolutely sure: 1. I only took 2 hits off that joint and 2. I definitely ran over hedwig on the way home
Randomize
