My eyes are so dilated i literally have night vision right now.
i was so high that i was eating crumbs of my bed only to realize they were fuzz thingies. fml.
Well its official I'm an idiot. I made out hardcore with an employee last night in our banquet room. Oh and got wasted at work. Oh and showed my staff squirrel on a trampoline.
you came back at 4am in a suit jacket and a half eaten burrito...
She's okay as an interesting car wreck. But as a sexual object she's funny
Oh my god, I am the best RA ever. I'm teaching my freshman girls how to deep throat on bananas as a group bonding activity. I'm making the religious ones eat them for potassium.
Only I could run tino my father in law while looking at condoms at Rite Aid. At 730 on a Thursday morning. I'm in trouble.
Woke up this morning with my period. Saw a commercial for the beginning of Shark Week. I see what you did there, Mother Nature. My pad's off to you.
My family will be here in an hour and I'm deciding between doing my makeup or saying fuck it and wearing what's left of last night's...
I mean, I love her. But not "I'll have a threesome with her." Type of love.
I've already dropped her on the ground of a crowded bar dancing , been incoherent drunk to the point i couldn't speak and came within 2 seconds all on separate evenings so at this point she should know what I'm about
he had a beard, sexy nerd glasses and kept referring to his penis as 'this dick' its like jesus was saving my perfect match for my prime
Below this exterior of ice is a layer of cum. Followed by a pool of gin. More cum. Then, finally a heart.
there is a smiley face on my leg painted in blood
I'm pretty sure that's yours.
The worst part is there are all kinds of happy creatures out here like fucking snow white and i'm sitting in semi-dead grass, hungover with a burnt butt
Randomize
