An ex-gang member just asked me out on a date via note. And spelled dinner wrong. Win?
She calls her new ritual "bed, bath, and beyond crunk". Hence why I found her passed out in my bath tub this morning.
I drank mimosas and played bocce ball in the middle of finals week...now i know how Comm majors feel all the time.
I said I was going to sleep an hour ago. Now I'm making plans to get high with the guy who mows your lawn.
Lights are FLASHING. This just got REAL. CAPTALIZATION.
well I already know I'm going to hell, at this point it's really go big or go home
Alive.
So much puke
Apparently hitting a bong with your mouth half numb is hilarious but frustrating!
The guy I blew last night was pierced in multiple places. I had to use extra caution to avoid my temporary filling.
And if you put this on Facebook, I will drop live cockroaches in your mouth while you sleep and then smother you with a pillow.
You always say the most romantic things
He texted me "sup", so I sent him that gif of the surprised guy and apparently it offended him
Why are your pants in the freezer?
I was really excited when I saw a billboard for neverbethirsty.org this morning. Then I realized it was for a church.
slept at my ex’s house last night and as i was leaving his brother was sitting there on the sofa and said “bet you regret that one don’t ya”
My neck feel like I've been sucking Goliath's dick.
Randomize
