We should go out drinking together soon
I'm still not going to have sex with you
remind me next year to leave the 19 year old girl at home when you're going to pride. total cock block
I hate it when hot girls behave. It's so anticlimactic
Vodka + horseback riding = vomit in the saddle bags
It's official. Every single female in their late teens and early 20s get their fb statuses from a pool of cliched "quotes" which all say, without saying, "boys treat me like shit, I know they do, but one day I'll find 'the guy' who will treat me right no matter how psychotic I am." Vom.
I think the main reason you were throwing up so much was the quart of soap you chugged trying to burp bubbles. you came close
There's a fried egg and an empty bottle of reddiwhip in the parking lot. Did you have fun last night?
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
Is there a non-awkward way to tell a girl I work with that she looks just like my favourite pornstar?
I think I was the only one who knew you were acting like you weren't drunk in public issues discussion this morning. Make sure you thank me in your Academy Award Speech someday.
I can say with 87% certainty that i received one of the world's five greatest blow jobs since the Coolidge administration on Saturday night.
I really just want to eat 20 mcnuggets and slap everyone with the box when I'm done.
Take off your clothes and see if he wants to have sex, that's a good way to find out
in other news i got caramel vodka poured on me. upside, i smell amazing
I've been sleeping with the same person for about two months now, I think I know a little bit about stability and commitment.
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