I'm either too drunk or not bisexual anymore
She just asked me if I was going to kiss her cat goodby too... This is why we don't stay till last call.
oh no, im for sure still drunk. i wana eat evrything in the fancy feast commercial... everything
And when he pulled me off the bathroom floor, he just looked at the cat litter stuck to my chin and said "oh sweetie" and shook his head. I think my dad's officially given up hope.
Perfect. And my grandma just called me and talked to me for eighteen minutes telling me that she was worried because of my Halloween costume that I'm not a Christian and that I'm not eating. Wtf.
I'm dying. The alcohol is viciously exiting my tiny body.
Well anyways I still cant believe I don't remember such a monumental day in history as you showing me your boobs... Jesus
Ugh why can't people just be grateful for my penis
Unless he's under 18, in which case you put him back where you found him this instant.
I'm gonna give the church their tithe, and the rest is a down payment on boobs.
Man, coughing on your period is like the biggest gamble a girl can make.
How was your night?
Fell down a flight of stairs. Went to a sex dungeon. Was approached by a man in a leather harness.
Nice people suck dick too. I'm proof.
You know what i hate? I hate when the ppl you drunkenly made out with actually want to talk to you sober. It just doesn't work that way sir.
We have been dating for 5 months. I'm friends with his sister. Yet my number in his phone is still saved as "hot bartender"
Randomize
