I wonder if there will ever be a day where I don't find lisps really really hilarious.
so after the bed broke we walked out of the room to a standing ovation
just as he was about to cum he started shouting "I THINK I CAN! I THINK I CAN!" over and over again.
She was crying and singing Taylor Swift on repeat. I'm never drinking with her again.
just fought my dog for the chicken pie I dropped on the floor.
I hope your lack of response means you're banging, not talking about her purity ring.
I want to throw all of their shoes in the pool so I feel like there is some justice in the world
He let him chew on his fu man chew. The man has the patience of a saint
I'm not sure if I should be proud of you for having morals or disappointed in you for letting your sex life get this sad.
Nooo, I ran into two if my exes, both having their engagement parties at the bar. It was like a fucking Eskimo family reunion, but with more tequila.
I'm watching Pretty Woman alone and weaving a basket for Fiona. This is my life.
I feel like I should send her I'm sorry I've been fucking your boyfriend flowers.
Apparently I bought a laptop last night, then gave the laptop to a friend who was going to give it to her friends' friend to put some cool shit on it. Anyway, I have no idea where my new laptop is now.
kind of bad when u call a cop an asshole for driving you home from the bar
I HATE BEING THIS HIGH FML IT'S LIKE I'M MAKING UP FOR ALL THE 4:20S I DIDNT DO ALL AT ONCE
Randomize
