Stoned at DSW. SO MANY SHOES! THEY'RE FREAKING ME OUT.
you know it is a bad morning when you forget to brush your teeth and eat old gas x in your car because its minty...
just left a line of flour and citric acid on the dresser for my roommate to find. teach that bastard to steal my coke!
Why were you having sex on top of my left over pizza in the kitchen?
I saw a 60 yr old mans penis last night. Just for the record.
It's like hey here is one penis enjoy nothing but that for the rest of your life
I just want dates and sex but the option to have that with whoever whenever I want
I literally just smashed open my grade school piggy bank for beer money. Goodbye childhood. Hellllllo coin night.
would it be uncouth to smoke a joint during office hours
This is why you're my favorite TA
I woke up and sent him a text that said 'I'm sorry forever'
Update on my sex life: my calves are sore from masturbating too much. It's a thing. Look it up.
She's dancing around licking a fork of nutella. She is not sober.
Apparently when you start crushing adderall and blending them into your margaritas calling them blenderalls you have "a problem" WTF
First night in my new place, I had to get drunk to get used to the idea of shitting in a new toilet
Listen, I love you but you cannot refer to your dick as the holy sister anymore
Randomize
